he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
