You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
