no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
