Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
