I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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