So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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