So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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