You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
