Porn is love you can see.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize