Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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