I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
