She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
