i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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