Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Mom said you looked used
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize