I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
