I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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