you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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