So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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