i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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