Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
