I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
