I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize