At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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