He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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