Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize