We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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