What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
