Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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