Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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