I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
