i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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