Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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