Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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