dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
