just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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