so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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