She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
