I can tuck mytits in my pants
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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