So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
