Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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