with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
