I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Floor bacon is actually really good
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
