The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
