I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
