Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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