You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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