I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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