Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
