I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she told me i tasted like america
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
