so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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