I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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