I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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