Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
