every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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