Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize