I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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