Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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