You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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