Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
