So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
