Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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