That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
