I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
