Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
