I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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