We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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