the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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