Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
