I want to stick my p in your. b.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
