where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
