Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
